Part One
For most of my adult life, I believed I was one of the lucky ones.
Fourteen years of marriage had given me a wife I adored and four wonderful kids who filled our house with a noise I never once complained about, not even on the worst mornings.
Then, on an ordinary Tuesday, Meredith came home from work pale and shaking.
Meredith came home from work pale and shaking.
“I think I just need to lie down,” she told me, brushing off my worry the way she brushed off most things meant for her instead of the kids. “It’s probably nothing.”
“You’re burning up, Mere. Let me drive you to the hospital.”
“Don’t scare the kids. I’ll be fine by morning.”
She wasn’t fine by morning.
Less than forty-eight hours later, a doctor I’d never met before told me she was gone.
I don’t remember driving home that night. I only remember standing in the doorway of our bedroom afterward, staring at her side of the bed, unable to make myself step across the threshold.
I didn’t know it yet, but she’d died carrying a secret that would have terrified her far more than the fever ever did.
The funeral passed in fragments. Casseroles arrived from neighbors I barely recognized. People hugged me and murmured things I couldn’t hold onto for more than a few seconds afterward.
Through all of it, the four kids stayed pressed close to my legs like ducklings terrified of losing their one remaining parent.
Like ducklings terrified of losing their one remaining parent.
The first morning after the burial, Hazel crawled into my lap before sunrise. “Daddy, are you going to get sick too?”
“No, sweetheart. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
Henry padded in behind her, dragging the blanket Meredith had stitched his name onto years earlier. He didn’t say a word. He just climbed up and pressed his cheek flat against my chest.
Harper watched us both from the doorway. “Daddy, who’s going to braid Holly’s hair for school?”
“I’ll learn,” I told her. “Give me a week. I’ll be terrible at it at first.”
“Mom did a fishtail.”
“Then I’ll learn a fishtail too.”
Then I’ll learn a fishtail too.
Holly slipped past her older sister and tugged at my sleeve. “Can we just eat cereal for breakfast? Mom always made pancakes on Saturdays, but I don’t want pancakes today.”
